歸屬感

今天在實驗室與同事交談。

在場的同事有一大部分來自中國，但其實我和他們很少用中文溝通。有些同學與同事甚至至今還認爲我對中文是一知半解的。這也難怪，畢竟我開口閉口都是英文。。。好笑的是儅他們第一次聼我說中文的驚訝。。說實在的，中文其實是我的一個語文 - 牙牙學語當初的第一串文字就是中文 =）但是，一般中國或臺灣朋友都不認爲我會說中文。

反之，英文是我掙扎了一段時間努力出來的成果，卻成了我現在主要的溝通語言。但剛來美國時，一般非華裔開始都會認爲我的英文超爛的，尤其加上我又不愛説話。

所以，有時感覺，雖然我通兩三种語言，但卻不屬於任何一組。

現在，在我考取博士的生涯，正面臨了相同的厄運：我屬兩個實驗室，但其實感覺上不屬任何一個實驗室。我在一個實驗室呆的時間是其他同事的一半，而我與同事接觸的時間也相繼比較短。

感覺上，在公在私，我像是個被遺棄的領養貓，不屬於寵物的世界，也不屬於野外的世界。

一直都有所感觸，只是驀然想把它記下。

本想說，其實歸屬感是一種心態，只要心裏保持平衡，不要執著，黑與白的中間地帶仍存有著灰色領域。然而，難免站在灰色地帶，瞻望白晝的絢麗，渴望黑夜的寧靜，務須承受寂寞。一直都慶幸，時不時都會有同類人相伴。只可惜，同類人卻非同路人啊。。。

The Hardest Decision

Sometimes I think the most difficult conundrum is whether you should try harder or finally give up and walk away.

It's a really tough choice, especially when you have put in your 110%, achieved some, but not sufficient to complete. You have sacrificed too much to simply walk away, but you are getting nowhere staying in the quagmire.

Is it worth holding on? Somehow, you still harbor the hope that your incessant struggle somehow will push you through the mud and inch you forward towards the light at the end of the tunnel. Nurturing that small flicker of a hope...

Hope. It's such an illogical entity. There is no basis for you to believe, yet you hold on. You want to believe that all you have worked for has not come naught. But it's such a weak notion. Deep inside you, you scoff and you jibe. At yourself. Your puny, craven self.

But you didn't realize that hope has been sustaining you. The small fire that has been stoking your passion, and your dreams. Slowly, surely, steadily.

The small candlelight that has cast long shadows down dark alleys and tunnels, so that you may move forward. Slowly, surely, steadily.

As you lift yourself out of the quagmire, you feel that warmth and strength to carry on.

Staying or leaving. Time pushes the quandary to work itself out. You are ready. You move forward. Finally.

Fitting in

Just when you think you have adapted, the world moves one step ahead.

Travelling 9000 miles around the globe, brought me to this place where I could seemingly be myself. A free country, they say. You see a great spectrum of people - faces, personalities, tenets, mindsets, colors. A diversity running from one end of the world to the other. Surely, I thought, I must fit in this continuum somewhere.

A stranger in a foreign land this time, is not going to make me a tourist. The unfortunate fact is that I am still being judged constantly. So, I did fit in - like a kink in the seams. Or a chip off a side of a piece in the jigsaw puzzle. In this world filled with stereotypes, extroverts and normal people, I am a controversy that stands to challenge them all.

I was taught from young, if you don't fit, you conform. But that's why I wanted this opportunity to come here. In the land where individuality counts.

But sometimes, fitting in is just so exhausting... It's like constantly fighting to wade upstream of a river. *argh*

Cersei Lannister

http://www.artofvfx.com/GOT/GOT_CONCEPT_A52_02.jpg

Reading is one thing. But watching all the characters come to life, another. It makes all my favorite characters more enchanting.

And then there are those I would love to slap right across the face. Even in the books.

Second episode, and already I feel like punching her. Gosh.... How in the world do these creatures come into existence.

Alas, they do walk the earth, like all of us.

Accessing the clusters using Private/Public Key pair in Ultraedit instead of password

1) Set up 'FTP Account Settings' and 'General' info as per normal: Account name, SFTP, Port, Username...

2) Go to tab 'SSH/SSL'

   - choose 'Public Key/SSL Certificate Only'

   - include the PRIVATE KEY path

3) Note that the Private and Public Keypair is generated exclusively. So for each public key present in the VM/server you provided for the administrator, you have to provide the unique private key.

4) Be sure the Private Key follows the PEM format.

ALL SET!!