Finality

I got the finality that nailed the coffin.

From here on, I need to pick up my pieces. The very soul that has been shattered to smithereens.

Somehow, there is this lingering sense of betrayal, even though there were no third parties involved. I had no time to ponder, no time to think and no time to react. I had no inkling. Whenever I asked, there was nothing from her and it seems like my fault. Or maybe I had always made it seem like my fault. But all the while for months, she was distancing herself. Unknowingly even to herself, she was preparing her emotional armor. And I was led on, clueless, thinking I was being the unreasonable one and I should be making amends. And she did make me make amends, when all I did was communicate. On hindsight, I was stupid. I couldn't even see the signs. How different she was from before... But I guess, the distance really took its toll...

I need to wake up from all my delusions.

Picking up the pieces will cut me. I need to pull out the thorns, one by one. They will leave scars. But they will also dry and leave scabs. Gosh, this hurts so much. Like a lance, right through the heart.

For now, let me grieve. Let me mourn. Let me cry. Just. Let me be...

i need to look past certain things...

angry, hurt and so disappointed.

I am hurting ... so bad ...

Sorry I haven't been updating on the front. I realize my entries are all in my drafts...

http://www.lifelovequotesandsayings.com/2013/09/09/when-you-loved-me-like-crazy/

I remember there used to be a day when you loved me like crazy. We could stay awake for days just to be in each others arms. We lived for the next moment we could be together again and were so full of passion… But those days are just a memory now… I want to work on us… but let’s not try to be perfect, let’s just be honest… share with me what’s in your heart, share what triggers your pain, share what excites you and let’s find a way to bring that passion back again… ~Karen Kostyla

Arthroscopy Final

My surgery was 10th June 2013. Now it has been almost 3 months.

There is no pain at all when walking, jogging and post-jogging. The only time I felt a little discomfort is when I bend my knee for too long, due either to sitting down or crossing my legs.

For you guys out there, this is just a feel of the timeline (abridged):

1 week : walk with crutches
2 weeks: walk with limping
4 weeks: walk normally
8 weeks: jogging with post-jogging pain and discomfort; able to travel
12 weeks: normal walking, jogging and post-jogging. discomfort when bendings.

Throughout the whole process, my motto is not to rush things. I tend to add a few days more in addition to the doctor's and physical therapy's instructions, unless they specifically insisted.

I have only tried squash once so far. I will start easing into it slowly.

Hope this helps to give an idea of the timeframe.

And I just received my bill of a $100. It's apparently not free then. But at least it's not $10,000 =)

歸屬感

今天在實驗室與同事交談。

在場的同事有一大部分來自中國，但其實我和他們很少用中文溝通。有些同學與同事甚至至今還認爲我對中文是一知半解的。這也難怪，畢竟我開口閉口都是英文。。。好笑的是儅他們第一次聼我說中文的驚訝。。說實在的，中文其實是我的一個語文 - 牙牙學語當初的第一串文字就是中文 =）但是，一般中國或臺灣朋友都不認爲我會說中文。

反之，英文是我掙扎了一段時間努力出來的成果，卻成了我現在主要的溝通語言。但剛來美國時，一般非華裔開始都會認爲我的英文超爛的，尤其加上我又不愛説話。

所以，有時感覺，雖然我通兩三种語言，但卻不屬於任何一組。

現在，在我考取博士的生涯，正面臨了相同的厄運：我屬兩個實驗室，但其實感覺上不屬任何一個實驗室。我在一個實驗室呆的時間是其他同事的一半，而我與同事接觸的時間也相繼比較短。

感覺上，在公在私，我像是個被遺棄的領養貓，不屬於寵物的世界，也不屬於野外的世界。

一直都有所感觸，只是驀然想把它記下。

本想說，其實歸屬感是一種心態，只要心裏保持平衡，不要執著，黑與白的中間地帶仍存有著灰色領域。然而，難免站在灰色地帶，瞻望白晝的絢麗，渴望黑夜的寧靜，務須承受寂寞。一直都慶幸，時不時都會有同類人相伴。只可惜，同類人卻非同路人啊。。。

The Hardest Decision

Sometimes I think the most difficult conundrum is whether you should try harder or finally give up and walk away.

It's a really tough choice, especially when you have put in your 110%, achieved some, but not sufficient to complete. You have sacrificed too much to simply walk away, but you are getting nowhere staying in the quagmire.

Is it worth holding on? Somehow, you still harbor the hope that your incessant struggle somehow will push you through the mud and inch you forward towards the light at the end of the tunnel. Nurturing that small flicker of a hope...

Hope. It's such an illogical entity. There is no basis for you to believe, yet you hold on. You want to believe that all you have worked for has not come naught. But it's such a weak notion. Deep inside you, you scoff and you jibe. At yourself. Your puny, craven self.

But you didn't realize that hope has been sustaining you. The small fire that has been stoking your passion, and your dreams. Slowly, surely, steadily.

The small candlelight that has cast long shadows down dark alleys and tunnels, so that you may move forward. Slowly, surely, steadily.

As you lift yourself out of the quagmire, you feel that warmth and strength to carry on.

Staying or leaving. Time pushes the quandary to work itself out. You are ready. You move forward. Finally.