Never swing your emotional baggage around. People always say. Because you vent your emotions outwards and hurt the people around you - usually the people that you love the most, since they are the closest to you, hence within the danger zone. And when you hurt them emotionally, you hurt terribly too.
However, what's more important, is that the message you are conveying is absolutely distorted in that fit of emotional outrage. My recent torte bag of emotions contains the usual mix of frustration and depression. Upset by being neglected, crazily yearning for attention in a harsh other side of the world where people don't care for people who don't talk loudly and legibly, and most of all, disappointed with yourself for feeling so helpless, lonely and out of place and favor. And that nobody really understands what you want is just a little more care, concern and attention, and to feel that you ARE prized and a priority.
And then in an asinine and contemptible act of self-pity, I had decided the best way to garner attention is to the show the one that I love most what's in my bag, or rather, how heavy that bag was. Utterly pathetic and totally regrettable...
There was an instant retaliation.
*Head buzzing
Interviewer: What did you expect? Acceptance and benevolence, when you shove volts of electric shocks down a throat?
Me: Well, I was kind of expecting some form of understanding and concern. Why don't people understand what I am going through?!
Interviewer: Because you shove it in their face. They can't see anything beyond, duhh..
****
Imagine throwing out tons of books from a bag in front of a friend all at once and ask him/her to look for your bookmark in each book....
And then imagine handing out each tome, one at a time....
So the next time, you think about lashing out all that's in your bag, remember that you have accumulated enough to feel heavy. Instead of throwing them out all at once to let people know how heavy it is, why don't you empty the bag AS it gets heavy?
This is a queer way of a self-reminder to remember never to do this again. To everybody I love that have taken a hit from me, and understands and yet never fails to love me back even more, I love you guys, I apologize profusely and I will keep checking myself, so that I don't do it again.
I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.
---Agatha Christie
